Loose nuts

The problem with riding classic bikes (apart from getting wet, crashing and going slowly) is that bits fall off. We asked our resident expert Rick Parkingbay to help us out, although he had wanted to write about setting tappets. Does this look like smallholders monthly? we asked, and my how he laughed. Strange sense of humour, these northerners. Goes with the pigeons and ferrets (um, might have got ferrets and tappets confused back there)In the end Rick did offer this.

1.DEALING WITH LOOSE NUTS. YOU WILL NEED...

Cliche of a flat cap, loose nuts (sorry, the creative's not really into bikes...it's the hair product vs helmet thing)

Spanner and a mug of tea (that's the Ed's cappucinno, but we usually Photoshop all the gritty realism in later - much kinder on the Macbook Pro). And then the tough bit...

Apply the spanner to the nut. To tighten rotate clockwise, or to release turn anticlockwise. If this seems complicated write "lefty-loosey/righty tighty" on each spanner in permanent marker. There! All done!